So it’s been a minute. Well, almost two years actually. I’ve been considering revisiting my blog for a while but I honestly didn’t have the courage to do so until now. I had gotten to such a great place health-wise during 2013 but then somehow everything just crumbled. I gradually began feeling like nothing really mattered any more and eventually stopped caring about what was good for me. I stopped working out and turned to binge-eating to try and numb my emotions I guess and until I realized what was going on I had gained 20 kg. Cue self-hatred.
It took me more than a year until I began accepting what was going on and probably another six months until I started making serious changes in order to start feeling better again. And now I do. I feel great! I finally got accepted to medical school and am finally living the life I always dreamt of. The only thing I have left to do is loose all of this excess weight and I’m looking forward to working towards that goal! By the end of this year, I am going to feel even stronger and more physically fit than I used to.
I was hesitant to re-read my blog but now that I have I mostly feel relief. So much has happened in the past couple of years that I didn’t know if I could handle looking back, but I realized that I like putting my thoughs into words as this gives me a chance to really reflect upon my thoughts and feelings. So here’s to facing the past and my current feelings about it. But most of all, to the greatness that lies ahead.
Tears. All these tears. I have no idea what happened, what is happening, why whatever is happening is happening. Why? And how? Failure seems to be the reoccuring theme.
I know none of it is as bad as I make it out to be but it still feels like it is. All I want to do is run away from it all. Go back in time, magically be motivated, focused, happy, content with myself and my life again. I know it’s all up to me. I did great because I knew I’d do great. I felt great because I told myself I was great. Now I don’t feel so great and I keep telling myself, reminding myself how seriously messed up it is that I’ve just voluntarily let it all turn into piles and piles of shit. Just like that.
Where do I even start?
Lately the term “feminism” has been on my mind a lot. I observe women around me, thinking about what they do, what they say, what their values in life are. I’ve always admired strong, confident, successful women who know what they want from life and aren’t too afraid to ask for or even demand it. I’m strong and somewhat confident. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are. But I try not to boast. I try to act the right way so that people don’t find me annoying, overwhelming, rude, un-ladylike. But I’m starting to wonder why. Why is it so important for me to act all modest and reserved? None of the women I admire and look up to are modest and reserved. They speak their minds until they are heard. And they don’t let themselves get shot down by people telling them to stick to the norms and “be normal”. But I try to. I was brought up that way. But I hate it when people don’t listen to me when I speak. Yet it keeps happening to me more and more. And none of the people I’ve complained to about this take it seriously. Why is that?
It’s time society realized that women do have a voice. Parents need to tell their children that little girls do have a say in things and should speak their minds loud and clear without having to feel like they’re being annoying. It’s time for me to find my voice and use it to achieve my goals, establish boundaries and earn the respect of the people surrounding me.
It’s been nearly exactly one year. I’ve given up on everything. I feel sick about myself – body, mind and soul. I have no clue as to why I allow myself to just give up the way I do. I wish I had that fighting spirit I see in so many other people but when life starts pushing against me I sort of just roll over and die. Or not die. I tell myself I’ll face it and fight my battle later. After I’ve done whatever it is I’d rather do instead. After I’ve watched this show or after that coffee-date with _______(insert friends name). It’s nothing but laziness, I know. I know exactly what I need to do to move forward. I know it won’t be half as bad as I make it out to be. I know I’ll feel great about myself and my life and everything there is after getting shit done. But I still postpone said shit-doing until one day I wake up and I literally can’t breathe because I’m at the very bottom of my very own pile of actual shit. (Ok, not literally but you know…)
So here I am. March 2014. Drowning in a mixture of school work, actual work, 15 kg of excess fat, an echoing feeling of loneliness and yet a longing to be alone. I can’t even believe I’m posting this. Pathetic. But Idunno. This is simply how I feel a lot of the time.
I want to be my awesome self though. I guess tomorrow is as good a day as any to start.